outbreak guide for dummies
by TiggerMusica
Summary: just a few good pointers on how to survive an outbreak mixed with randomness to make it a bit funny. let me kow if you like it and i will write more.
1. Chapter 1

Zombie Outbreak

For dummies

1: Be smarter than the zombies. I know it's hard but YOU CAN DO IT!

2:Zombies are NOT your friends. They don't give hugs and kisses and they don't like candy and puppies ether. They also don't make good boyfriends.

3: If your boyfriend dies and reanimates right before the prom it totally his fault; feel free to bash his skull in.

4: Do NOT at all cost let yourself get surrounded, even if you have to abandon your supplies. Better to find a new supplies than dieing over the one you couldn't hold down.

5: Although backing yourself up against the wall in a regular fight is a good idea because they can't get behind don't do it in a zombie outbreak (you unless you want to spend a day of constantly hacking off heads).

6:Always make sure that that your escape pathway is at least two arms length away from any hoard of ghouls. Although they move slowly they still move. If your exit is being cut off escape immediately.

7. Everybody knows that in the forest the best place to sleep in is a tree. At least until that tree gets surrounded by _ numbers of the undead. A simple solution to this problem is to hang a noisy remote control toy/electronic device a few trees away. (Although first make sure the remote can send a signal that far; and try to pick a tree with a lot of leaves to sleep in because if the can still see you chances of the plan working decreases just a bit). Once they crowd around the tree make a great ape escape (inside joke). Never try to retrieve the toy. This also works with houses.

8. When being chased by zombie hoards, no matter how tempting, do not trip your fiends. You may need them for later.

9. When a zombie outbreak happens this does not give permission to kidnap you favorite actor/actress/music group/ people in general/ chibi key chain characters/ writers/ you-tube artist/ or Bill and Tom from Tokio Hotel (which I have to constantly remind Somebody that they fall under bands). Soooo sorry.

10. When everything's going to hell and you feel like crap feel free to chose someone to blame. I recommend Bill Gates. DAMN YOU BILL GATES!!!

11. Never piss Wesker off. You wonder where all his coworkers are. I'm sure if you look down the elevator shaft you can find them along with an empty box of doughnuts that he at this morning (another inside joke).

12. Zombies are slow so why waist your energy on one meaningless. Wait for the right moment and only sprint when you have to. The hard fact is most of use aren't marathon runners.

13. A zombies body parts do not make good souvenirs.

14. Watch out for infected that are trapped under cars and in locked houses because they can still get out and bit. In this I might as well add in the warning for crawlers and a reminder that a zombie that is restrained can still moan and thrash around which basically says 'dinner'.

15. Don't try sending out the most annoying of your group to nag them to death. It doesn't work, trust me, I've tried.

16. WARNING!!! Although zombies are flammable they do not burn instantly. So if your cornered and you decide to use that old spray can trick (if you know what I mean) then you pretty much just screwed yourself.

17. In all honesty there are like a million good reasons why you should travel in a Small group. Lone wolfing it on this one will get you killed. If you cant think of any good reasons why you should travel with someone email me and I'll send you a LONG list.

18. A gun with no silencer is like the best dinner bell you could ever have. And always have a close combat weapon in hand.

19. If you hear something moan/shriek/growl/hiss/ snarl/ or bellow, don't stick around to see what it is.

20. Don't try to be a hero. Help somebody if you can, but diving into a swarm of zombies after your best friend (or beloved chibi key chain) is probably bad for your health. I know it may seem harsh but having you dead to doesn't do anybody any good (most of the time). Also having a gun and them being stupid doesn't make you superman.

21. And finally, if you find yourself trapped 'RAVE TO THE GRAVE' and give them a goodbye bullet in there fat decaying ass.

So what did you think? Come on send me a reply * bribes with chocolate chip muffins* even flames welcome


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry about the spelling errors in chap.1 but in my defense my computer is as old as old as shit meaning that most of the words I had to put in and my spelling/grammar is already as bad as it is.

But without further ado the 2 chap. And as always please review

1. When you find yourself going up a one-way alley; don't scream.

2. When someone says 'don't open that door!' its probably not a good idea to open it.

3. There are a thousand ways to die but I personally chose to live.

4. Always go everywhere in pairs for a few reasons

* It's safer.

* That way nobody can lie about being bitten (might cause more of a problem than you think).

* Helps if you run into any obstacles or get hurt and need medical attention.

*And many more but I'm too lazy and I don't feel like naming them all

5. Strangers are strangers and for the first few hours they should be watched closely.

6. Inmates don't always turn out to be like Billy Coen (R.E 0) therefore I don't recommend you inviting them over for tea.

7. If you see a large mutants running around or a strange creepy figure slinking away from you don't go after it. Your not going to miraculously escape within an inch of your life like Billy, Claire, Rebecca, Steve (well you really can't count him), Chris, or any of the other RE characters in the game. And once you're dead your dead; there's no reset button.

8. Load up on info before you set out like on the place that you're going, how do you get there, basically have a plan.

9. Pack something to entertain you if you're on the move but only take what you need of (includes food, supplies, ect.). Over packing can prove to be heavy, lumbering, as well as time consuming, which only slows you down in the end. And please remember when packing that the chances of you finding a working outlet is slim to none. Also packing something loud isn't the best of ideas (But watch, even though this is common sense, I bet if an outbreak does happen somebody try's to pack this crap).

10. When you find yourself needing a distraction rock, paper, scissors is a good way to go (or make your least favorite person do it).

11. When in an outbreak or for a period of time after its best not to sneak up behind a person and go BOO. You might get shot. Trust me it just NOT worth it.

12. Always make sure the house you go into has more than one exit.

13. Don't say 'I have a license to kill' that's just lame. However if someone else does feel free to say something along the lines of 'and I have a shotgun, guess who's gonna win bitch'.

14. Don't stand next to Wesker near an elevator shaft or a big tank of chemicals. In fact just leave Wesker alone It's just not healthy to be around him. (A bit of an inside joke but you can probably guess why)

15. If you think that shambling around like an infected is stop them from attacking then go for it. I'm just not gonna try it.

16. Sleep is of vital importance. If the zombie hordes haven't broken down your door by nightfall chances are your safe for the night. Unless you snore enough to attract more.

17. If you are still skittish about sleeping then take all your stuff into the attic and sleep in there. If possible make a bed out of an old shelf that's too high for the infected to reach.

18. Earplugs are a person's best friend. I mean who wants to listen to moaning all night and day. If you don't feel safe wearing earplugs then try them but have your group take watch in shifts (which is a good idea anyway).

19. 'What the fuck is that' doesn't help anything but bullets might.

20. The less zombies you kill the more ammo you conserve but you may run into the same ones later.

21. The last and most important thing is your not just going to be facing zombies. In fact bandits pose a much greater threat than most infected so be careful of who you approach. You can also bet that some idiot up in the gov. is going to order all the large areas with infected to be nuked which will probably end up killing more survivors than infected (dumb asses). In that case you need to watch out for signs of radiation and stay clear of that place. (You also might want to circle the area on a map just in case)

_**BORING BUT PLEASE READ…**_

Thanks for reading everyone and please forgive me for my horrible spelling. Oh and even though I don't take requests (I've tried but they really don't work out for me) I do love to hear ideas of what people think should happen or a decent plotline that way I can kind of see what people want. Also if an ideas good I try to mix it in with the story. So if you feel like it just put your thoughts on a review page and I will look at them. Or you can find me at the teh stream on mon., tue., wen., on sometimes on the weekends and tell me (but hint of warning you have to have a youtube account to log in). My user names the same as my new one TiggerMusica. Until then I'm going to go to sleep.


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